Tuesday, 14 April 2015


Never did it occurred to me that this day would actually come around so quickly, look at my boy all grown up, developing his life skills at a rate of knots I can't quite keep up with and within the blink of an eye he's off to nursery! 

Que tears, lots of them, but not from Oscar, from me, his mummy, a fully grown adult who clearly needs to pull on her big girl pants and get on with it! In the back of my mind I secretly hoped that I could be a stay at home mum, that way I could look after Oscar myself, I'd be in control and I'd know exactly what he was up to and he'd be safe, right?  Reality however is a much different story.  Having a baby is such a wonderful experience, watching them grow is amazing, but there comes a time when you have to return to reality, go back to work and earn a buck!  Don't get me wrong if I was in a position financially to stay at home all day and enjoy every minute of my son I'd jump at the chance but unfortunately our lottery numbers haven't come up yet so in order to live a fairly comfortable lifestyle I need to get back to the grind.  

As I packed his first ever little rucksack and got his clothes all looked out a sudden pang of guilt came across me and I felt like the worst mother in the world.  Packing my boy off to nursery, all on his own, to face a room full or strangers, who he'd be left with for a whole 8 hours a day, I felt sick, teary, angry, anxious, nervous and a million other things all at once.  I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced these feelings and I certainly won't be the last.  Before I had Oscar I was that person that judged mothers for feeling that way, I mean come on its only nursery, the kids gotta go. Boy when the shoe is on the other foot it's no fun!  I cringe at myself every time I think about my pre mother days when I would judge mothers.  Motherhood has taught me many things, the biggest of them is to never judge another mother, because at the end of the day we are all trying our best and doing what we think is best for our babies!

Oscar woke at 6.30am, usually I take him in with me for a snuggle (and an extra few hours sleep) but today was to be our first trial run for returning to the 9-5.  After 10 minutes of Oscar using me as a climbing frame I stuck him back in his cot with some toys and jumped in the shower.  Breakfast, dressing, hair dried & straightened, makeup on, baby organised, bags packed, nerves off the scale, we were ready to leave the house, 8:10am, not a bad time if I do say so myself.

The drive to nursery is short, 10 minutes or so, but it felt even quicker, the only day I want to be stopped at every set of traffic lights is the day their on my side.  Pulling up outside the nursery I discovered Oscar had fallen asleep in the car, this was not good, there was no way I was leaving him asleep and having him wake up when I was gone.  I contemplated just going home and calling the nursery to say I'd take him tomorrow but that's just silly.  I unbuckled him and got him out, he woke up as we walked towards the doors, he was happy, smiling and being as nosey as ever.

Amongst the guilt, fear & nerves there is also excitement, it's not all bad, I mean I'm excited for him to meet other little people, to explore new surroundings and to see him development.

As we got inside we were greeted by the staff and shown to his little peg, cutest thing ever, I sat him on the bench and although another little boy was hysterically crying, which I thought would set Oscar off as he's not use to that kind of high pitched scary screeching, he just sat there happily swinging his legs back and forth and staring at the wee boy. Once I got his coat off and popped his bag on his peg we were taken into his nursery room, there were a lot of babies in that room and a lot of them were crying.  Oscar wasn't phased at all and after a brief chat with the nursery nurse he was ready to be left!  Left, just left, just like that.  She said you can stay for 5 minutes if you want so he settles in.  He looked pretty settled to me, playing with the blocks, banging them happily against each other, not bothered that 10 other children were crying or that the little girl next to him was demolishing everything in her path.  I gave him a kiss and said goodbye, he didn't even notice I was gone.

I got outside the room and it happened...tears, streaming down my face and they were coming quite thick and fast, I mean come one, pull yourself together!  The nursery manager caught me as I was heading out and said it's ok I was you last year, it does get easier!  I got to the car and I did have a little laugh to myself, but he's my baby and us mothers always fear the worst, we always worry, and I don't think that's gonna change for a very, very long time!

Fast forward 4 hours, as I arrived back at the nursery I was so excited, I couldn't wait to hear how he got on, I was worried that he might have been upset after I left, worried that he hadn't eaten his dinner, worried that he was left out (he's 8.5 months not likely) but us mum's we're weird like that!  I got to the little room and peered through the window and there he was, sitting next to his new little friend happily playing away.  When I got it into the room and he saw me he was so happy and excited and in that moment I felt relief, they told me about his day, what they had done with him, what he'd eaten and they said he was the most content little boy they had, no tears, played happily without needing too much attention and interacted well with others.  I couldn't be prouder!  

This nursery thing is tough on us mums, but you know what?  It's gonna be ok!

Kirsty x


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