Thursday, 29 December 2016

JUST BECAUSE I SMILE . . .




I've been undecided about writing this and hitting publish for some time now but I find that writing is a form of therapy for me so here we are.  I also figured that if I am going to take this blog serious in 2017 that I should probably start doing me rather than following the crowd, I've been doing that for way too long so this is me (ps, I won't always be a Debbie downer, but sometimes getting it off your chest is best). 

I've spoken about this topic before (here) when I wrote a post on my experience with PND and that was really the first time that I had actually accepted that I may be suffering with some form of depression.  I posted that in September, it's now December and that little demon is still tugging away in my brain, pestering my mind. The weird thing about depression is that you can't always pin point where it stems from or what triggers it.  I find it really difficult to accept my feelings when I can't pin point why or where they are coming from.  There is no rhyme or reason to my feelings of sadness and so rationalising all of these feelings in my own head is a battle in itself which then results in a wave of tears.

I know it's the season to be jolly and this type of post at this time of year may not be so jolly, but for the most part I have been.  Christmas to me is a wonderful time of year, it's about families and friends and it brings people together.  This year on Christmas day I woke up feeling great, I was excited to see Oscar open his gifts, this year he understood it a little more and he knew Santa was coming with presents.  It started out pretty well and my heart was full.  I sat watching Oscar rip paper from one present to the next, his little face lit up with pure joy and excitement.  It was wonderful to watch.  I took myself off to get ready and by the time I'd had my shower and returned downstairs to prepare the dinner my mind had shifted gear and I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of sadness.  The little demon was back, he was back and he chose to return on Christmas day.... why?  

And so it starts, I'm now feeling sad, I have no idea why I feel sad and I begin to go through the motions of the day in my mind trying to rationalise why I feel this way.  It goes on for a few hours and by that time I am now mentally exhausted, I'm still smiling but I feel like everyone else is catching my sad vibes and I feel guilty.  I start to battle with the guilt, the sadness and my own mind, it's a never ending cycle.  I tell my husband that I'm feeling sad and as always he hugs me tight, tells me it's ok, I don't have to feel guilty because it's ok not to be ok.  I'm thankful for him!

I've made it through to the end of the day and I've survived.  My head is like mush, I'm still trying to make sense of it all and I feel relieved that the day is over.  In amongst all of the noise I am happy to say that I have managed to retrieve happy memories of the day and all was not lost.  I sit on the sofa reflecting on the day and I hope that tomorrow will be different.  I'm thinking it's probably time to seek some professional help, even if that's just to help me rationalise why my brain is functioning this way, and what remedies I can try.

I've always been a strong person, a person who just gets on with it so accepting that I may need some help with this is probably harder for me to accept than accepting I have a mushy brain that likes to play silly buggers with me.  I am determined to start 2017 the way I mean to go on ... POSITIVE.  I'll beat this little bugger and I'll win!

Just because I smile it doesn't mean I'm ok (and I think I'm ok with that)

Kirsty x





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